Sleep
DISCLAIMER: The following advice is of a general nature only. For information specific to you and your child, please see your midwife, early childhood nurse or doctor.
I slept like a baby…
Wow. So, you woke every couple of hours, needing to be fed, burped, have your nappy changed and then you had to be rocked back to sleep?
A good night’s sleep seems to be the holy grail for new parents
Before we go any further, please understand two things:
I do not know everything. Most importantly, I do not know you or your child or your situation. These are simply some thoughts/ideas/tips and links to sites I hope will help, so please, have a quick read, before you proceed.
My law of inverse proportionality. Simply put, it is my observation that the more “treatments” there are for any one condition, the less likely it is that there is one treatment that actually works. There is only one treatment for an appendix that is about to burst (operate). If you have broken a bone in your body, we try (by various ways) to stop it from moving while it heals. If, on the other hand, you are tired, or worried or sad, there are lots and lots and lots of different treatments. So it is with sleep. Because there is not one that actually works for everyone.
How much are babies supposed to sleep?
Every baby you know/know of may sleep for 20 hours a day, but yours sleeps for less than half of that. Both are normal. This does not mean that something is wrong with your baby or with your approach. There may not be anything that you need to do, or, if I’m honest, that you can do. If you have a baby who does not sleep long hours, I am sorry, but you may need to adjust to this reality and manage your household differently.
newborn babies do not sleep through the night
They just don’t. Their tummies are too tiny and they need to wake up to feed, usually every couple of hours or so. Don’t expect them to settle back to sleep by themselves — they are still getting used to life outside the womb! They need time to adjust, to bond, to get to know and trust you. Please, do get help looking after baby, especially for the first 6 weeks or so, but don’t expect a newborn to self settle. Sleep “training,” in my experience, is not suitable for infants and if needed, should be left to babies six months and over. Click here for more information.
Think about what you’re comfortable with
What type of environment do you and your partner or household wish to create?
routine-driven, organised, well controlled?
flexible but firm?
baby-centred?
something in between totally baby-centred and regimented?
Once you know how you wish to raise your child, and once you know your child (see suggestion number 3) you can make some decisions about which approach to try. If you are unable to bear the sound of your baby crying, please do not attempt controlled crying. It will upset you too much. If you have upper back pain or shoulder injuries, you may not be comfortable “wearing” your baby. If you like an organised, controlled household, you may not be comfortable with a fully baby-centred approach to sleep. What do you want to do? How does your household run? Whatever you decide to try, understand it may take some time to adjust to the new approach AND sometimes, it just won’t suit you, your household or your child, so you will have to try something else. Sorry, but there is simply not one approach that works for everyone….
Think about what would suit your baby
Tell me about your baby.
are they placid, easy going, quick to settle?
are they remarkably strong-willed and determined, even as a baby?
are they somewhere in between?
who knows? How can you tell, they are so little!
I find that babies come with a temperament and you will have to take that into account when planning your approach to settling and sleep. You may be an organised person who likes to run a well-controlled household, but baby may not have read that memo! Despite your very best intentions, you may find yourself simply having to adjust to a world where chaos has entered. Hold on, you can do this!
What to do when baby isn’t sleeping
You.Can.Manage.This.
You.Will.Need.Help.
You.Will.Survive.
It.Will.Pass.
Ok, now you know that babies vary significantly in the amount of sleep they have, on average, each day. And you have thought about the environment you wish to create and the temperament/personality of your baby.
So, what on earth do you do when baby isn’t sleeping?
Is baby ok?
If you are unsure if baby is unwell, for example, if you think they have a middle ear infection, do ask your GP to check. Is baby growing well? You can plot their growth on the charts in the baby book to see if it is ok. Is baby developing at a normal rate? Are they crying “too much” and is this part of the problem? All babies cry, however some cry a lot more than others. There is, however, a difference between a baby who cries and a baby who has difficulty with sleeping at night, and there are ways to approach this in a calm, deliberate way, as outlined in The Discontented Little Baby Book or in the Possums Sleep Film. You may have heard about Purple Crying - there is a lot of information and resources available on this website.Are you ok?
If baby is not sleeping well, you will not be sleeping well. If you are sleep deprived, you may find that you are more emotional, that it is harder to think straight and sleep deprivation is a significant risk for anxiety and depression. Please look after yourself. You can’t look after them if you don’t look after you. Do you have a partner you are able to tag team with? Can you call in a favour? Family or friends? Sleep when baby sleeps? Do you have a safety plan for days when it is all too much (see point 9)? COPE has a range of information and advice about emotional wellbeing in pregnancy and after birth, as well as links to advice lines.How is the environment?
Assuming baby has a full tum and a clean bum, is it too hot, too cold, too noisy? Are they in the same room as you and you wake to every snort or sniffle? Are they in a room down the hallway but you are worried and keep having to get up to check on them multiple times a night? Babies can fit in with a wide variety of circumstances, but where possible, create a calm, peaceful, comfortable space which suits you and your child. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure you also create a safe environment for baby.Are they actually tired?
Have you ever tried to go to sleep when you are not tired? It’s not going to happen. Forcing a baby to go to sleep when they are not tired is not realistic. It is ok for them to have “quiet time”, where they are awake but in a safe space e.g. their cot or on the floor next to you. There are a number of cheap and easy ways to entertain your baby such as music, mobiles, rattles, reading and pulling faces. Making time in your day, where possible, to spend outside even when baby is too little to be running around as it is more stimulating than being inside all day, for all of you. But this won’t work for all babies!Do they just want to be held?
Some will simply want to be held, which is ok, it is sometimes just difficult to manage. In this situation, there is nothing as useful as a second pair of hands. Many parents find that their baby is more calm when being held and there are many ways to “wear” your baby, e.g. with a baby wrap or baby carrier, which free up your hands and allows you to involve baby in the daily household routines. Please do so safely!Are you aware of the circadian rhythm?
Simply put, this is the natural sleep/wake cycle that we should all have. It is influenced by daylight and darkness; we were not designed for bright, fluorescent lights 24/7. If you and baby are able to have 20 minutes of daylight within 20 minutes of rising, it helps to set your natural circadian rhythm. This does not mean you both need to be out in the direct sunlight, but if possible, throw back the curtains and flood the area with natural daylight. At night time, lower the light levels and avoid well lit screens such as TVs and computers when getting ready for bed. Natural daylight during the day is also helpful.Do you have realistic expectations?
Babies vary significantly in the amount of sleep they have, on average, each day. Cat naps for you and baby? Excellent idea! Just because someone else thinks your baby should be sleeping through by 4-6 months does not mean it is true. It is normal for babies under 6 months of age to wake for feeds and to need help getting back to sleep. Some babies will sleep for 6 hours at night by 6 months of age, but not all. Don’t add guilt and condemnation to your busy life!What about routines?
Some swear by them. Others swear at them. Strict routines work best with the first child, second and subsequent children usually have to fit in with the busier household schedule. What works for you, your household and your child? Even if you are not a particularly organised person, you often find yourself developing small routines such as feed, burp, change, sleep or change, feed, burp, feed, sleep and later on dinner, bath, clean teeth, read story, bed. Most children adapt well to these. I think whatever you decide, having some consistency in the day is helpful.Enlist help.
It is true what they say, it takes a village to raise a child. Think of your partner, family, friends. Include early childhood nurses, your GP. Books/websites/blogs/Facebook/Mothers Groups/Playgroup. There’s an app for that. Whatever you choose, be prepared to step away if the advice is wrong for you or just doesn’t fit your situation. That major cities have inpatient units for babies who don’t sleep and settle well, such as Tresillian, the Ellen Barron Centre, Tweedle and others speaks of the distress poor infant sleep creates. Don’t be afraid to seek professional assistance along the way. Need to phone a friend but don’t know who to call? Try one of these.Drugs.
They used to be a thing. But with very few exceptions, we just don’t believe most sleep medications are safe or effective, be they herbal or prescription. Melatonin may be used in specific, limited situations for older children, but not for babies.
Drugs.
Umm, no.
Well, hardly ever and then only under close medical supervision in older children.
It seems like forever, but it will pass
I know it does not seem possible, but it will (almost always) pass. This is a season in your life which is exhausting but which most of us value as an essential part of being a parent. Must admit though, as much as I loved my babies, I don’t miss the interrupted sleep and looking back, I’m not sure how I managed! Somehow you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, check in with family and friends, make time to enjoy your baby and before you know it, the days/weeks/months have gone and your baby is a toddler/preschooler and you wonder where the time went. For those where it does not pass, do get help (see point 9). A good night’s sleep matters for all of us.